I think I missed that part of my adolescent years where I had the chance to be frivolous and carefree about taking my place as a ‘woman.’ Could’ve been that 32-y-o I was dating at 16, or perhaps the 21-y-o with the child, that I looked after as his replacement mother, at 18, for a year or so.
Who knows.
Something went awry that left me without a few key life skills, I’ve come to realise, the least of which being that all too feminine drive to come across as a sex object for the attraction of men. Despite what some men and women might have you believe, I’m actually not that interested in the sexual attention of anyone, at all. I understand the advantages of having a nice smile, but the rest is up to the good graces of the sex-charged societal backflip that we seem to be living within, that makes any woman, honest or otherwise, into a walking, breathing potential cock hole, most of the time.
To be honest, there hasn’t ever really been a time when I’ve had much attention from men, until recently. Up until now, I’ve had these pseudo-masculine figureheads that I’ve loved so dearly that have all turned out to be extremely protective boyfriends who refuse to let another man glance at my goods, ever, without severe consequences. All these years I haven’t had to worry about my looks, what I come across as, how other men and women perceive me, because I’ve been spoken for.
But the single world is cut throat, I’m coming to realise. Since I’ve been single now for a whole year and a half, I’ve come to realise some interesting tid-bits about the nature of many women. I live in this single world of ours, but I’m definitely not used to the smell yet.
I never had any sisters, and my best friends have always been guys. I grew up with four brothers, a backyard full of cars and the smell of oil and sweat loitering about my bathroom every moment of every day. Mechanics shops, to me, feel a lot like home. These days I can race a car up the Spit, and win, with the right wheels, but I can’t walk in cork shoes for the life of me. I can rig a safe electrical connection between a back shed out a kitchen window, through a back room, over the clothes line and down past the garage … but I can’t hold another girl’s hand during a scary movie, when I know she’d love nothing more than a little comfort.
Let’s pretend for a moment that I’m at a party, sinking a beer at a table on a back veranda, under the stars … looking down at the clothes line past the railing, that holds in a decent amount of room to swing a few chairs around on the deck. In this instance, I am sitting at the table with the guys, sinking this beer of mine, and shouting stories about the good old days.
I will not, and I do not mention this lightly, I will not, and never will this be revoked, I will not ever sit on another girl’s lap and pose for the boys with my finger in my mouth, with come-get-me eyes and a sly smile to suggest that there’s something I got, that he wants.
Never in my life, is that girl me.
On the contrary, the mental process behind such a display actually confuses the hell out of me. My place, in this instance, is sitting at that table with the boys in their jeans, elbows on the bench top, lips pursed and eye brows raised, smirking slightly at the girls being silly for us, us guys, … wondering, not so strangely, what went wrong in my life, that left me sitting here, on this side. Sitting on the other side, staring at the girls while they touch each other and pretend to kiss, and then giggle about how they almost kissed and then oh my god, who wants us to do it!? I would sit there, staring at them, feeling nothing for these women but contempt. Jealousy that they have a skill that I don’t understand, that I will never possess. A skill that these girls have, to stop my conversation about movies and shoes with the blokes, and take their attention away for a seemingly ludicrous ritual of ‘play’ and flirtation.
If only I was a lesbian, they all say. And I’ll admit, I’ve said a few times. If only I was a lesbian, things would be so much easier.
But
you know what
I’m just, not.
I’m just a woman that was taught to value her hands instead of her cunt.
Which is a shame, really, because the world isn’t really set up for women like me.
You go girl!
Nice post!
Well written…too may ill-placed commas, but gets the point across-poignantly.
At the risk of sounding like a middle-aged heterosexual woman (which I am), SOOOOOOO?????
Making a point can be knee-jerking and gut-wrenching…proffering a viable alternative? Think “How the ‘F’ can this be changed so that others don’t have to go through this?”
In my mind, you’ve stopped at some half-way point…there’s no point in expressing anger or bitterness if you can’t offer an alternative. “I learned the truth at 17″…but I didn’t let it stop e moving on…….
We don’t need their world we make our own.
In reply to OkayStill:
My blog is my expressive space; here I write what’s on my mind. I don’t claim to have solutions.
I suppose my fight wages in the real world, and here I keep a log of my thoughts.
Also, just as a side note, I love commas. They make me feel like Douglas Adams.
Oh, great, well let’s all, let, the whole, world, take up our, time with questions and, criticisms, of the status quo without, actually considering or offering a, viable, alternative Or, even , better, several viable alternatives. Works, for me. Regards, to, Douglas, Adams.
It’s funny, but in some ways I know how you feel… I’m a guy who has lived the complete oposite life. I know nothing about cars, tools or sport.
I’ve grown-up with three sisters and my flat-mates have primarily been females (with one gay guy being the slight exception to the rule, but he fits into the former category anyway).
So here I am… a straight guy who is more appreciative of girly things than most, and is perpetually puzzled about how the blokey population operates.
I still love my porn and am known for making inappropriate comments… but I couldn’t help but emphasise (even if it is from the other side of the fence) with you on this one.
I’ve never been that girl either. I’m not one for attention purely because I have girl bits that might touch other girl bits, even though I am slightly that way inclined.
There’s no solution I guess, there’s only self awareness. Some women fulfill bits of themselves by acting in this way, and other women don’t. Some people like the thick dental floss, and others prefer the thin waxed dental floss. Generally my attitude is “live and let live”, because otherwise I’m expending far too much energy on things that I don’t have any say in.
The only thing that bothers me, because it could affect me, is when people aren’t transparent about their actions because it tells me that they’re hiding something, and because I am a self absorbed human that thinks they’re hiding could affect me. In that situation my solution is to leave them alone.
And that’s my unsanctioned rambling for the week
Despite other people’s rudeness, I enjoyed your frankness and bravery in this post.
I understand what you mean… but you miss nothing. I had to learn to undo the conditioning of years to be able to relate to men as human beings – to perceive yourself solely as a sex object is a pretty destructive way of living your life. Perhaps this is a case of feeling ‘outside’ the common trend, mixed with regrets for the heavy relationship burdens you carried early… desiring that kind of stunted immaturity is an extreme swing in the other direction, though. I hope you can find a middle ground which is fulfilling.
Wow, you can really write huh.
Two palindromes in that sentence… cool.
I wish I was good with my hands.
hope hope is around the corner.
Nice post Kate.
I can see your situation but you know what? I think everyone I know has some issues where they will say “I didn’t get the **** gene” whether it be mechanics, flirting, cooking, money, conversation, sewing or tech. It’s simply our individual lot in life.
I’m almost a reverse of you, raised by women around women and all my best friends are traditionally women. Women I get, maleness is something that I’ve had to learn latter in life. Simply because I’ve realised that there are a lot of cool things in being male and as I am one, I can play with that and have fun.
Oh and by the way, despite what you may think you play the femaleness also, it oozes out of you when your not looking, it’s there, but different to the bubble heads that you mention.
…And an aside. As a huge fan of a conversational writing style I applaud your use of commas to set the cadence of a post and fuckit your not writing a Phd.
Everyone’s tastes differ. One might find you beautiful, and another may not. One might find your blokey-ness attractive, and another may not. It’s just the way things are. I understand the frustration there though. I am not one of those girls either. I am ’still’ a girl though, and despite having grown up around mostly men I wouldn’t say I’m on either side of the fence, ‘if’ there ‘is’ a fence!I think you generalize a little too much. You’ll drive yourself crazy placing everything into a category.
In reply to Katie:
Haha, I will. I know it. I can’t not ‘unpack’ everything, break the world down into little pieces.
My search for infinite understanding continues.
“My place, in this instance, is sitting at that table with the boys in their jeans, elbows on the bench top, lips pursed and eye brows raised, smirking slightly at the girls being silly for us, us guys, … wondering, not so strangely, what went wrong in my life, that left me sitting here, on this side”
You probably don’t know just how many women quietly, seething hate you, for being able to casually associate with men with little effort and without having to resort to silly pouts and saccharine pantomimes.
“I would sit there, staring at them, feeling nothing for these women but contempt. Jealousy that they have a skill that I don’t understand, that I will never possess.”
Some guys like that silly fan dance, but personally, I find it trite and childish.
Have done ever since I was 12.
Trust me, it’s not a ’skill’ you’d want, and from the sounds of it, not one you need.
Most men actually prefer a woman who is capable and strong.
When the chips are down, and the wolves/taxman/zombies are at the door, which response is going to warm the depths of a mans heart:
a) Oops! I dropped my hanky. Again.
b) I packed extra ammo. Y’know, just in case..
Need further proof?
Check out the following female leads in:
Long Kiss Goodnight
Mr and Mrs Smith
Keeping Mum
Chocolat
Eastern Promises
etc, etc..
“Which is a shame, really, because the world isn’t really set up for women like me.”
B*ll*cks. Why are you worried about the pennnies on the floor, when you’ve got dollars in your pockets ?
If you continue to swim in the same ponds, you’re going to meet the same fish. Simply swim elsewhere.
Now stop whinging and pass me the ammo.
Them zombies are coming back..
cool read, new fave blog keep it up =)
Of course you would never dress yourself up and pose or posture for attention, because you don’t seek attention do you?
This post smacks of trying to feel superior to others.
Because you feel or behave differently doesn’t make you better! Others have the right to behave how they do. Your take on them to me has a whiff of something else.
Shakespeare put it so nicely “… she doth protest too much…”
You know you love the attention of others and go to many efforts to secure it!
Reply to: twisted
And you take it upon yourself to enter my private blogging space and spit your spite at me.
How very noble it is, to kick me while I’m down.
Sounds to me like you’re just a bit of a tomboy. I think it’s not particularly rare to be born with tendencies more typical of the opposite sex – not every man who likes sewing or dolls or dressing up is necessarily gay. Anyhow, I wouldn’t worry about it, and as another commenter mentioned, there are plenty of men out there who would like a girl like you.
“…the sex-charged societal backflip that we seem to be living within, that makes any woman, honest or otherwise, into a walking, breathing potential cock hole, most of the time.”
I’m quite sure society has always been like this, and probably more so in the past. The desire to have sex is for most people the strongest drive and emotion they feel. They say an intellectual is someone who has discovered something that’s better than sex, and most people aren’t intellectuals.
“I’m just a woman that was taught to value her hands instead of her cunt.”
I think it’s possible for you to learn to embrace your cunt without becoming that which you apparently so despise.
1) not private – private would be locked out to the world
2) you promoted it on the web and twitter so you invited comment
3) unless of course you only want 1 side of the coin then you don’t actually want comment you want something else
4) no kicking involved. You took a big stab at others, expect comments back.
5)not spite, unless of course your post was spite at nameless others, then yes probably spite, although not meant that way.
Thus obviously others observations have no merit. Why then solicit comments if you only wish to hear your own voice?
I have to agree with twisted. The message I took from
this is that you think you are better or superior in some way, as Twisted mentioned. I don’t believe for a second that you don’t strive for attention. If anything, I would say you *are* looking for attention. Of course you are allowed to bear all and speak out, but (again) as Twisted has pointed out, you put it out there for others to view
and comment. You cannot expect that all will agree with
what you have said.
“the 21-y-o with the child, that I looked after as his replacement mother, at 18, for a year or so.”
Wow. This is exactly the same thing that happened to me when I was 18. Except me being a guy that is. Coinkydink!
Letting out your feelings is great. Kudos for doing it.
So now, why do you want everyone to provide feedback? Why is it important? Do you want everyone to reassure you? Do you want people to argue with you?
I feel the post is fine on its own, but the constand advertising and requesting people to comment from your twitter is somewhat similar to the attention grabbing techniques used by the very same girl stereotypes you depose.
I’d still prefer your methods over their’s, but in the end its about accomplishing something. What? Perhaps self validation, not sure. I guess only you know the answer.
I am however glad you’ve called attention to these kinds of girly acts. God-forbid if my daughter ever saw that as an acceptable way to act with boys.
For what it’s worth… i can’t see what you guys are on about…
My takeaway from this was; that she was merely highlighting how she is different from girls like that, and doesn’t understand their “mental process”.
Maybe her statement “Never in my life, is that girl me” is what has youse thinking she thinks she is better than them.
And anyway, it’s her fucking blog, and she’s allowed to say/feel whatever the hell she want.
As a white, 26 year-old male, I think the horse has bolted on my opinion. Having said that, great post!
In a world riddled with hyper-consumerist / capitalist / sexist / illusory / superficial / junkyard / fuckshit people and their ideas, it’s wonderful to read someone’s own take on just how they see things.
My only critique would be to note that I think everybody is a victim and everybody is guilty, and anybody who thinks they’re not at least partly contributing to the whole mess is either a saint or the poster-kid for the new Hitler Youth.
Anyways, thanks for the read. Look forward to more!
More commas, please.
FOOTNOTE: See “Punctuation and Its Dramatic Value in Shakespearean Drama” … and the general idea that punctuation is for rhythm … and not simply following the rules … that recently-trained minds … have been schooled to consider appropriately placed marks on a piece of paper … which of course are no longer on paper … but floating fragments in the global flow … etc etc etc …
Judge Judge Judge. . narr.. all good Kate. a lot of guys get the same thing. At the gym i see all the posers doing the mating dance in front of the girls while i sit doing yoga with my blue hair. They look at me as if im gay, but i aint. am a bit of a creative type though
ha ha. Totally not a bad thing to be feel like that. everyones different and free to think and do what they want. all good.
Cheers
D
Very interesting post.. I liked it..
and yeah no shame on what you want to say you just say it.. good and strong personality..
A good post with a lot of truth behind it. To be honest I’ve had a lot of female friends and in fact my best friend is a female and to be honest you just be the person you are. When you flaunt yourself in that manner the guys only see a “sex object” I think the key is here don’t try be something your not it’ll just start any relationship on false pretense.
There is absolutely nothing to be jealous about if anything you have a talent most girls don’t and that’s the ability to hold a man’s attention without showing skin.
Keep that head up!
I think to each their own. No one should ever try to be who they aren’t.
You are a person in your own right, with aspirations and dreams. If your dreams and aspirations don’t match what people expect from you, is that your problem or theirs? I’d suggest the later.
Isn’t being attractive a good thing? I guess it’s how you use it to your advantage. My thinking is that it’s harder to look more attractive than less attractive to the opposite sex.
A smart AND attractive woman is hard to find. My grandmother told me that beauty fades, but charm doesn’t. Hmm. Hope that helps.
the way those other girls act – that mostly is annoying to blokes.
how hard is it for a bloke to meet and talk to a girl when all she is doing is a fan dance for the attention of all and sundry. instead a girl with mystery, who wants to actually like you know – talk! and about stuff thats meaningful to her life – not what she expects the boy wants to hear – thats the ticket.
hey kate – you are the person you are and for whatever reason you want to name. imho – your uniqueness is a bonus not a disadvantage.
but then im strange too!
Smart and well-written, Kate – bravo!
I don’t have time – unfortunately – to read the other comments.
There may not be – as you say – many places in this world set up for “people like you”, but there surely are some.
I don’t know Australia well enough to guess where those would be there, but certainly there are places in North America (New York, San Francisco, Vancouver, Montreal, Seattle, Boston) and some cities in Europe.
Best wishes and keep writing.
T
I totally understand your point of view.
From my own experiences, I can say that a lot of girls grow up quite fast, they grow breasts and appear womanly. They don’t quite know what to do with it though, because they ARE in fact still girls, therefore often resulting in this kind of behaviour. I suppose it’s their insecurities playing out really, because they like what they see in themselves, but are not sure anyone else will.
Ug, I wish that you would read that email I sent on SG, that or follow me on twitter, I have some things to tell you….lol
Jeremy
Teneighteen on twitter..
I think Kate is a sex object
Richard.
You make me lol.
:p
“… I never had any sisters, and my best friends have always been guys. I grew up with four brothers, a backyard full of cars and the smell of oil and sweat loitering about my bathroom every moment of every day. Mechanics shops, to me, feel a lot like home. These days I can race a car up the Spit, and win, with the right wheels, but I can’t walk in cork shoes for the life of me. I can rig a safe electrical connection between a back shed out a kitchen window, through a back room, over the clothes line and down past the garage … …”
Great observation Kate. I wish all the stuff I read was insightful. Btw if you understand this, you will understand how clueless blokes really can be.
I understand your sentiment exactly. I too have skipped that stage and learned to mix it with the big boys, partly by having an older boyfriend who thankfully helped me realise that I should be recognised for my unique opinions and perspectives and not a likeness to a ralph poster.
I am friends with “those” girls and I understand them, but no I will never be one of them either.
By the way I now work in a job where I have struggled to be taken seriously and years of respecting myself and making sure the guys do too has paid off. No one ever said that you have to play the game and I’m glad that I never have.
Happened across your blog, read this post and I concur wholeheartedly. My heart sinks when I see the classic skanky “facebook” pose, glass/bottle in one hand, pouty face, suggestive pose with girlfriend. I do see where they are coming from tho – its a cry for attention, its an attitude that is common and encouraged, its a spirit of the world that I truly hope dies out soon! – would hate to raise teenage girls in this current climate, its a very pervasive attitude. I feel sad that they do not have a better sense of self and worth then to be an object of a mans attention.
However, that said, I am not the tomboyish girl either, and I do admire and envy girls that are. I could not fix anything to save myself. So Im somewhere in the middle. I do love to get dressed up, present myself nicely, totter around in the odd pair of heels, but I always stop to ask myself (when gussied up and all) – is this outfit for me, because I enjoy wearing nice things – or is this to get attention? – if its to get attention, I change.
Anyways, my 2 cents. Don’t change – inner beauty shines thru and is HOT, whether in a tee and jeans, or in an evening dress and Manolos!