Mojo Pin

Looking through photographs of old friends turned new. They’ve travelled along the same paths as I have, turned into indie rockers and found lovers. Still in Brisbane, some have taken up smoking. Some smoke my brand of smoke. Some have quit. Some have found love and so many haven’t changed very much at all.

I just want to be moved.

I’m a realist.

My job takes up so much of my life, I want it to define me. Being a realist takes a lot of the fun out of life. I’m an animal and a farmer. Life defines me. I don’t define my life.

I was feeling very creative tonight. Jeff Buckley made me stop moving and stare at the wall.

Sex and Love, as usual

Everything keeps coming back to a few key points about relationships.

Sex without love is fruitless. It is a tree without purpose, for beauty only.

Is my sex, an ornament?

A garden filler?

What is sex, without love?

Not for me. That’s what.

It’s a good thing love comes naturally to me.

I fell in love with a man today, crossing the road.

I hoped that my eyes would penetrate the back of his head and into his soul, that he would turn around to let me see his face, let me touch his face and put his hands around my body.

It was his shirt.

I fell in love again with a woman last night, that I’ve never spoken to, one I’ve only seen in pictures. A woman so beautiful that my heart skips beats when I look at her hair, her face, her skin tone.

I fall in love so easily, all the time, in and out. And I worry.

Have I built too many walls around my lasting love that my standards are unreachable?

Am I still yet to experience true love?

No, I’ve definitely felt true love.

He was a challenge like none I’ve known before or since. A real man with love in his heart, and an alcoholic sleeve to rest his worries on. I fixed him for a long time, I looked after him, and he kept me busy. Kept me wanting, and kept me in arms reach of perfection.

I loved him so much, that I moved heaven and earth to make a life for us, as he did.

But addiction is a terrible affliction, and he had too many. Too many addictions ahead of me in the line, I couldn’t bare it.

So I made a list.

Things a man would need to do in order to be my forever-lover.

- Love me.
- Sing to me.
- Read stories to me at night time.
- Enjoy the music I enjoy, whether he dances or not, his appreciation is of the utmost importance.
- Willingness to change his mind, and compromise.
- The ability to see great things in his future, and dream, like I do, without depending on whether or not he’ll get there.
- Hair that suits my mood. If his hair-do becomes unsuitable, he must be willing to change his hair back to the way that I like it. Any man of any colour of any size of any stench could win my heart with a hair-do. And that’s no word of a lie. It has to suit them, too. It can’t just be any, just one, that I like on everyone. It has to be the one that suits them, best.

I can’t decide if I’m happy in my life or not.

I think I am.

I Want

I remember now, what to blog about.

Thanks for the support in the interim.

Love works, relationships work, when the people involved have the same level of comfortableness sexually.

Thoughts like these are the ones I used to blog, the ones I like to blog. Random thoughts that didn’t go anywhere else. Days awash with emotion that warrant an audience, a bored audience that enjoys peering into my life. I could write anything, provided it’s written poetically.

Things I want at the moment.

You around.

A trip to Canada.

A trip to Japan.

A new pair of shoes to wear with my new skirt and tops.

Daniel Jackson as a husband.

My best friend back. Any of the four that have recently, and not so recently left my life.

Time for books, and interest again.

Alcohol.

The ability to cook.

Guts.

Weight loss.

A degree, or at least the start of a degree, and also the money to complete a degree.

A job with security.

A job that takes no less than, and no more than four days a week.

A new journal.

My psychologist back, but only if it’s free.

A savings scheme.

A decent bra, or two, that are not too tight.

A sense of uniformity, continuity, universal oneness, ascension, adventure, and momentum.

Companionship.

Better grammar, spelling and historical knowledge.

The chance to fight for my life, or that of another.

Fear. Real fear.

A working jaw.

More hours in the day spent physically active.

A father in arm’s reach.

My mother living much closer.

The ability to move matter with my mind.

A loyal pet. A soft pet. A low-maintenance pet.

A mask, dreadlocks, sandals, a flowing skirt, and a cool stream.

More art.

The eye of Ra.

A teleporter, a private jet, or one billion frequent flyer points.

A lost treasure, a hand device and naqueda in my blood.

Bullet proof skin.

My brothers much, much closer.

You around.

We all have our vices.

…ten points for guessing the exact episode I was watching while writing this.
…five for the name of show.

That’s all for the moment.

Turning

I don’t know whether it makes is any easier, seeing them off as they go. It’s better sometimes just to pretend like it’s any other day, and say, “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

This time he’s going forever, to a country on the other side of the world.

I’d forgotten how much I cared.

My mentor and guide, this man has taught me so much about life, and led me to find strength within myself that I hadn’t realised was possible.

The world is small, and I’m young. Anything could happen, and will. I have no doubt that I will see this man again, and steal more kisses in the cover of darkness, in the pouring rain – like last night.

Although he’s leaving now, he was exactly what I needed up to this point.

Maybe we’ll meet up in Paris. Maybe I’ll wear a beautiful dress and he will buy me dinner, like he does. Maybe we’ll walk along the water and talk about our changing lives, the imensity of the city, the vast future and the way things stay the same.

We’ll part again, after that, and hopefully again neglect to lament. I will miss him, I always do, even when he’s just next door, instead of in my arms. But we are two of a kind, dispite the distance. Explorers and experiencers. The world teaches us, and we live to learn new lessons and experiences.

My journey begins again now, a life I’ll endeavour to fill with my own wellbeing, and self-centered happiness.

The world goes around, and around, and around, and things just keep on turning.

Stargate SG-1 “Absolute Power”

“Oma teaches the true nature of man is decided in the battle between the conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious,” Shifu says. “Oma teaches that if the evil of my subconscious is too strong to resist, the only way to win is to deny it battle.”

New Leaf

Something happened. I don’t care any more.

Many circumstantial factors may have come into play here, recent events with lovers, family and friends. I’ve had a mental shift. But it’s not like usual, I’m not buzzing with bi-polar ecstasy, I’m just, calm. Motivated. Directionally okay. I’m working tonight, thrown into servicing the busy end of an Irish bar – in the middle of the Brisbane CBD on a Saturday night – and it’s only my second shift. And I’m okay. I know that I have time. If I need to take thirty seconds to find the TooheysDry button, I will.

On the other side of town, I’m about to lose the job I’ve been working at, comfortably, as a second home, for two years. And to make matters more interesting, I’ve just come into a bit of debt. An electronic error saw me accidentally spend my rent money on my holiday, and the debt collectors for the Civic Video in East Brisbane have finally caught up with me ($105) but, I just don’t care. Time will continue to move forward, and I will continue to find a way through, and on the way, I plan the relax, and smile at just how lucky I am to be alive, with a bunch people around me that care, and would go to the end of the Earth for me.

I have people that dislike me, some recently acquired, some an age old, still threatening to bury their negativity into my psyche. But these days it’s rolling off. I’m deleting your texts as they come in, laughing at how immature you are, and how easy it is to forget. I just don’t care. I’m not going to die, as much as you wish it. I’m not going to thank you for the lessons. Instead, I’m going to laugh at you with my friends and think about how smart I was for leaving you.

I’m walking along the sand, holding hands with myself, smiling at the sunrise.